Disapointed??????

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This last week I attended a playgroup with a handful of moms that all have children with Down syndrome.  We all have drasticaly different stories,  personality,  faith and kiddos.  We were all chit chatting and sharing our stories and stories of our kiddos and one of the mom's busts out with  "I wasn't disappointed that my babby has Down syndrome....  were you?"  Well I immediately get deffensive and I'm not even sure why.  I guess the adjective disapoinsted is one I never want to use when I speak of either of my kids.  I've used a million other adjectives to describe how I felt but I guess scared and angry have topped the list.  I'm not really sure why those adjectives seem any better to me, but I've been thinking a lot about this conversation, my reaction and the word disapointed. 

http://www.dictionary.com/ defines the word disappointed as-  To fail to satisfy the hope, desire, or expectation of.

So I guess the anwser really is Yes,  I was totally and completely disappointed when I learned that my unborn son would have Down syndrome.  I had a picture in my mind of a sibling for Rex that he would be friends, playmates and confidants with as he grew older.  A family that he would have long after Justin and I were gone from this world.  Rex was 4 when I pregnant with Riley and I pictured another little boy running, wrestling and playing catch with his dad. 

I can honestly say that before Riley I new no children with Down syndrome and had very very  limited experience with anyone that had disabilities.  So, when i was told that Riley would have down syndrome I didn't know what to expect and with the unknown comes fear.  Throw in some additional ultrasounds and a Dr with zero bed side manner or good sense and I had some huge fears of health issues way more scarey than Down syndrome.  All I could think of was that while we thought Rex would be gaining a sibling really he gained a life long responsibilty. 

Fast forward to Riley's birth and all of the scarey health issues were erased and we had this beautiful baby and it was so much easier to picture all of the things that Riley would be able to do.  He would be able to run and play and giggle with Rex.  (little did I realize just how much wrestling there would be)  In that instant when he arrived into the world Riley erased my dissapointment.  I do still have a healthy dose of fear but it is a different type of fear. 

I have fears for both of my boys.  I worry about how the world will see them, and if they will be accepted for who they are.  I'm pretty sure that every mom worries about her boys.    I worry that they won't listen to the lessons that we try to teach them...  will they be respectful,  will they behave at school, will they remember to put on clean underwear and socks if I don't tell them every single day,   will they love to read or just love kicking the soccer ball......see the list goes on and on.  Wow the being a mom stuff is hard work.